So….

Here I am….

I had thought that the meds would take longer than this to start to not work as well.  I didn’t even notice until today that I am sleeping more than anything else.

I had excuses, not enough of sleep and so on.  And I am nowhere as bad as I was.

But yeah, when I realized I was contemplating staying in bed for another day, then I read a post on facebook… and it motivated me to get moving.  It was from Elizabeth Taylor, (And of course now I cannot find it!)

Basically, it said to not to think of each day as a success or a failure.  Count everything you do as a fight. Me getting up, making the bed and getting dressed.  Success!

Then me getting my face washed, even doing my hair some then being in the computer room?  Success!

Now writing this post, as well as getting the Kindle that I am using to move my ePubs over to my Kindle account and so on, more success!

Focus on the positive not the negative.

IT’s not easy at all. But it reminds me of why I like lists.  so I can cross stuff off, so show my accomplishments for the day.

Which is something that always confused me.  Shit, it still confuses me that I essentially am a positive person, but I am depressed.

Yeah, I know it is a clinical thing and so on.  But, I spent a lifetime with the stigma that a depressed person is a negative person.

Which is not the same thing, I know that, but still.  How someone who thinks automatically thinks the glass is half full, depressed?

Let us take the lists for an example.  I do a list to see what all I have done, instead of being depressed on what isn’t done.

I know there are other things like I can get down on myself for periods of feeling like I am being lazy.  I may be doing more than others, but to me I am lazy.  I am not accomplishing what I set out to do.

At the same time, getting sleep from 5 am to 9 am for the ‘night’ is enough to justify lying in bed, but then I realized I am ending staying in bed most of the time.

*sighs*  It’s an uphill battle.   And I have to keep reminding myself of this.

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Another Tuesday

How sad is it I feel guilty for getting a late start today?

I finished Clocks last night, I also did the post for today’s prompt, but I feel like I failed in some way.

Yeah, some of it is because I gave into Stormy and her cuteness in wanting to spend time with me, but still.  I should have more self-control.

Last night was one for the books.

My cousin’s new husband, and father of her youngest shot himself by accident last night.

He got out of his car from work, and reached back in for his Glock, which don’t have safeties.  It went off, shooting him in the upper thigh, hitting the main artery there.

Luckily for him, my cousin was home still, running late for dance practice, and ran out, telling her young daughter (5) to call 911.  Her brother ran from his house that is next door, and literally saved K’s life.

He put a tourniquet on his leg, and held pressure for what the tourniquet didn’t stop.

It took a half an hour for the ambulance to come, thinking it was a normal gun shot wound.

Finally, Life Flight had to be called, (we live in a rural area, and they live further out, however, there is a ambulance that was close.  My cousin used to be a firefighter and knew what was going on) and they had to stablize him to take off.

AFterwards, he had a 10-12 surgery and then was in ICU.  His foot was blue.

Luckily, today he has a pulse in his leg and can move his toes, though he cannot feel them.

Needless to say, the family is shook up.  We keep checking on my grandma, since she is home alone, everyone is at the hospital.  I live about 15 minutes from her, so if she needs anything, we can be there for her.

It does make you think about life and how little things like this happen.  A simple accident can end a life.

I am going to try to lose myself in my work as we await more news.  Life has to go on.  Me going to the hospital is a bad idea, since I have to calm myself even when visiting for my nephew’s births.

I spent way too long in one with my dad, and I cannot shake that time.  I was too young.  Of course, when is anyone old enough to deal with their parent in the hospital fighting for their life?

Talk to you guys later.

Kittyinaz

Mental

You guys are going to think I am.  But today I am pretty zesty for life.  I made tea, and it’s ready to drink, once it cools slightly.

The sun is shining, and I got a very enthusiastic welcome from Murphy and Connor this morning when I opened the door.  Dancing, wagging tails, as well as squirming to get more pettings.

Right now Connor is in his place at my feet, he is the writing puppin.  Seriously, I seem to write better when he is at my feet.  A sense of relief from all the times I knew where he was when he was a puppy and I didn’t have to run out and try to figure out what he did to the house now.

Who knows.

I am being picked on, since when I went to buy Stormy’s new Cat collar (she got too big for the kitten one!) she got a blue and grey.  either the pinks were yuck! or had flowers and so attached to them.  Yeah, like that would work.  I am lucky to have a collar on her.  Morgan never stood for them, nor does Tucker.

We need that Bell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But really today?  No deep thoughts nor anything really.  I am going to see if I can write something today.  I have chapters everywhere, but I am not feeling the pull to do this.  Or maybe I will play around… we will see..

Fridays

So I had a hard time sleeping last night.  Seems Connor and M wanted to make sure there was no silence last night.  M snored then Connor did right after him.  I gave up and waited for the time M went to work…

Then I guess Grandma had a spell from taking bp pills when she no longer needed them.  I had two phone calls about that.

There are times I wonder on our family.  We all talk about our issues to certain people and never the ones that need to be talked to.  Or we are quiet on it, not wanting to hurt each other’s feelings.

While doing things that are more hurtful.

Don’t get me wrong, we are a bunch that I wonder sometimes if my ability to write and make up stories was from the escapism I needed from the RL drama.  If you read my fanfic or any of my writing, I am not one for much angst.

Unless you read some of the really original stories.  Those are all stories I have told myself.  What If is another example of me being using Writing as an outlet.

I have a lot of people thinking I have stress from all the stuff I do.  It’s not that.  The stuff I do is still less than I have done in the past.  Way less.  I have organized departments, carried a 4-6 person department on my shoulders.  While only doing it for half the time.

Writing and all this is my escapism.  It is the relief that I can actually sink fully into the movies in my head and escape the he said she said, she did this, she hurt me, why don’t they’s, that go on in my real life.  As time goes on, I get to thinking how they all tease me about talking all the time, and I wonder how much they pay attention now with how I barely talk anymore.

I have withdrawn into myself more and more as time goes by, only coming out online since I often feel no one would like me.  And often when I come out online being myself, then people leave.

I guess I suck in relationship skills.  I stay away, because if you wanted to talk to me, you would.  When I feel like I am carrying on a conversation with only me talking, then I back slowly away.  Cause I have been taught through interactions that it will be the foretelling to them dropping me like a hot potato.

Then comes my fucked up memory.  Remember the details of stories, the names of my characters and so on?  Sure!  Remember that someone has a loved one in the hospital, a birthday coming up, or sometimes a name?  Uh… What?

I pay attention.  For some reason these things fall through the cracks and no matter what I try to do, write myself notes, tell myself to remember and so on, it won’t help.  And I feel worse about being a person.

On the other side of the coin, I am often surprised when people remember me.  Yes, I don’t have a double standard.  If I can’t remember facts, why would I expect you to do so?

I am far from perfect and would be the first to admit it.  I argue, insist I am right.  I know where I get it, but hey, it is me.  Others do the same thing.  I refuse to be shamed on it any longer.

And I love to write.  I love to lose myself in the worlds in my head.  I am writing a novel, but feel so unsure about it.

I have felt that I am never any good on anything I do.  I am shocked when people say I am part of the big clique’s and that I am famous in our little fandom.  For what?  Helping others?  I will take that one.  For writing?  Then why does it seem to be forgotten so much?

I feel often that I am losing myself.  Just draining away from what I used to be, turning into a shell of myself.  I am hoping some time away from the constant drama, and being with people that I feel like me for myself that it will help.

Yes, I have a flighty as hell muse.  But I understand it well after the one day my Dr suggested I relax the strict control I have on my brain.  To relax.  And it genuinely scared the crap out of me.  Thoughts came crashing in at speeds you could not believe, about many different things at once.

Do I know it is going on beforehand?  Yeah.  I sense it going on behind the little theater room I sit in and watch things.  But I learned long ago to control it that way, and it worked.

That day terrified me, and I was more terrified of not gaining back the control.  How freaking sad is that?  Not to be able to regain control of your mind?  The thing that governs everything I do.

But I did, and I completely understand Sookie and her ‘walls’.  I painstakingly have added and put them up, to the point that I made it an exercise that when I passed the baseball field on the way home from High School, I would reshore them up.

All over Tucson are these spots, that even to this day when I pass them, I find myself doing them.

IT makes it hard to do a lot of normal things, and I suspect all that information that I can’t remember is back in that mess, but I learned to accept the answer delivered to me, or for when I search for the answer, I have to follow the trail in my head to the answer.

My family has mocked me for this for a long time.  I get the right answers, and beat them on some genius level games, but I get mocked for it.

Maybe I don’t have any confidence, since whenever I found something I enjoyed, someone had to come along and make sure I knew I was not the best at it.  There will always be someone better.  How dare you even think that you are good at it?

Cooking?  That I am allowed to be, as long as I share it with them.  Baking?  No.  You are supposed to be a cook or a Baker.  not both.  WE don’t care that you can do both.  We don’t care that you have to listen to music to allow yourself to work.

You can’t do both.

Writing?  Well look at your reviews vs the rest.  And it’s only Fanfiction.  It’s cheating.  So why bother writing anything original, since you can’t achieve anything in the fanfic world.

And you get the idea.  I have been taught to think of myself worse than everyone worse, even when the facts are in front of me that I am good at something.

Lately it is getting worse, so I am glad I have here to vent.  Otherwise, I think I would go mad, or completely silent.

Then I wonder if anyone would even notice anymore?